Minor Recurring Reads: Homestuck, Pt. 4

Last time on Homestuck: I met the woman I am going to marry and her name is Mom Lalonde. I’m your stepparent now Rose and your bedtime is never.


The coolest dude on the planet stands in his bedroom. Will he tell us his name? No, he’s way too cool for that, but maybe if we guess correctly he’ll give a cool little nod our way.

What was it again? Insufferable prick?

david PLEASE put that sword away this isn’t an anime convention

Nah, this, as we all know, is Dave Strider, one of the most popular characters in Homestuck and certainly the most cosplayed. Dave likes DJing, photography, and, of course, ironic humor. He sits in his room on an unusually hot April day, which is probably because the world has been ending lately.

As is usual with new characters, fake arm shenanigans begin, but Dave shuts that down right away, which I respect.


He does, however, consider peeing on his turntables.

There’s a blue box in Dave’s closet that once contained a birthday present from John Egbert, including more Hollywood memorabilia and a signed photo of Ben Stiller. It’s all very ironic, but we can tell that these two boys really do care for each other.

As he grabs this box, we see that Dave’s capchalogue system is extremely complicated. It has something to do with percentages of vowels and consonants but I’m not even going to try and understand it. Why…does Hussie do these things.


Dave gets online to wish John a happy birthday and to ask if he got SBURB, which should sound pretty familiar. Yup, we’re starting all the way back from the beginning of Dave’s 4/13. I fear I will never see my daughter Rose ever again.

Turns out Dave is a pretty cool guy on the internet. He’s got this blog where he ironically reviews each issue of GameBro, but more importantly he’s also got this ironic webcomic that you may have heard of named SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF

everyone online in 2012 has seen this image

SBAHJ was one of the few things I actually liked about Homestuck when reading as a teen, and I am proud to say that it’s almost just as funny as it was back then. Some of them are hits and some are misses but the effort that went into making them all look ugly as sin is impressive. There are a lot of connections to modern ironic memes as well in SBAHJ, such as riffing off cheap mainstream humor and deep frying images. I don’t want to admit that HS might’ve inspired an entire genre of memes, but…



The similarities are rather striking.

Anyway, after I spend a good half hour reading at all the SBAHJ comics, Dave does some comic reading himself with The Midnight Crew, which, uh…seems to be a mspaintadventures comic that doesn’t exist? Apparently the characters show up briefly in Problem Sleuth but have a larger role in Homestuck and uhhh I definitely should not have risked going onto the wiki if I didn’t want to know that.


Rose pesters Dave and calls him gay for not wanting to play SBURB with her. Glass houses, Rose – I know one of you gets gay married by the end of this comic and it’s not Dave.



Back to John! He’s busy spacing out at home when he hears a bump at the door.


Well. That doesn’t look too good.


He follows the trail of black goo and uh oh it’s leading to his room…

Back to Dave who is playing some hauntingly sick beats! Or, rather, I’m playing some hauntingly sick beats because this is an interactive set of turntables with 16 different samples to lay over each other.


Hussie…why do you have to be so extra…

Dave has allocated a katana (oh jeez) to his strife specibus, though he’ll have to capchalogue it first. During that arduous process he spills apple juice on both his turntables AND his copy of SBURB, so now he’s going to have to clean them up. Remember how he said he’d lost his copy before? Hmm.


Dave’s brother, as is the habit with single guardians of 13 year olds, has a weird collection and that weird collection is puppets. Unlike John and Rose, however, Dave actually has a good relationship with Bro and therefore supports the hobby.


There! The turntables are clean and the betas have been hung up to dry. Bet you thought the juice was gonna be how he lost his copy. There’s a fan blowing them dangerously close to the open window, though, so maybe


Nope! That’s not how he loses them either. Oh well, I guess it’s gonna be a while until we find out-





Guess he’ll have to borrow his brother’s copy.


At last, we’re back with Rose!


And, uh, Zazzerpan the Learned, too. Rose despises Zazzerpan on principle as a representation of her mother’s notorious love of exquisite wizards. She figures Mom collects them just to spite her, which if true is some very impressive dedication on Mom’s part.

But this wouldn’t be the only time Mom’s done things just to get under Rose’s skin. Once, Rose gave her a vacuum cleaner for mother’s day, and Mom had it bronzed and made into a statue.


This beautiful woman here is the Eldritch Princess, who was originally a pretty princess doll given a new Lovecraftian identity by Rose’s knitting needles. Neither mother nor daughter have ever moved her from the couch since.


The liquor bottles are out to play in the kitchen, signifying that Mom is nearby…I am absolutely in the grip of anticipation right now; PLEASE show her to me. I’m ready.

On the fridge is an young Rose’s drawing of Jaspers the cat, which Mom has framed for $15,000 and welded to the freezer door and honestly why is Homestuck not all about the Lalondes?


Rose has left an encrypted message for Mom via fridge magnet: SHREW, or, rather, SHREVV which I’m sure is some troll’s typing quirk. The reason she used two Vs of course is because she did not have any Ws. Mom noticed that they were out and kindly bought her an entire pack. You can see Rose’s notarized thank you note just below, which she has signed in blood, holy shit.


And of COURSE Mom couldn’t let such a nice note sit on the cold kitchen floor, so she’s provided a nice little velvet pillow for it to rest upon. I am absolutely LIVING right now.

The ball is in Rose’s court now, so she’ll need some kind of new way to one-up her mother.  She takes a W from the pack (it looks like a mustache), depositing 12 cents in its place – and more importantly picks up the pillow with plans to embroider on it an ode to motherhood.




Rose doesn’t share my excitement and wants to abscond out of here right this second, so she performs a youth roll over the counter.


And breaks some wizards in the process, but, y’know. It was a pretty sick roll. Even if she has the wrong opinion about her mother.


Sigh…but I guess we’re going back to Dave now…

Dave has patched up the hole in his window (bye SBURB) and now he’s got a message on Pesterchum…from Jade! She wants to know if he’s talked to John yet.

We learn a few things from this conversation:

  • Jade’s sylladex is even more complicated than Dave’s (oh GOD)
  • Her birthday present to John is something he won’t open because he’ll lose it, as we saw with the car. But then he’ll find it again in his time of need so it’s actually good!
  • Some hellish creature named Bec lives in her house
  • Her encounters with her grandfather are often intense. My bets are he’s a ghost

Dave and Jade have a pretty cute dynamic, which maybe attests to some inherent quality of Jade’s. She seems to bring out the best in people.

Back to John! He has not yet found the source of all the black stuff in his house, but he’s very hard at work pestering Dave. They have some banter and John mocks Dave’s katana as he should. We learn about Bro’s, uh, rather unique rap persona.



Anyway, they come to the conclusion that there are probably monsters in John’s house so he’s gonna have to do something about that sooner or later.


Oh hey, check out this little guy.

Back to ROSE, my close personal friend, who was youth rolling over the counter when we last saw her and OH MY GOD IT’S HER THE MOM OF MY DREAMS.


THERE SHE IS!! Fully unsilhouetted, one hand fake-cleaning and the other grasping a martini, all during the blackout caused by an apocalyptic storm…

I…I love her…


Aaand it’s time for another fighting minigame! We’ve got two new vocab words in this fight, AGGRESS and ABSTAIN. Unlike Dad, Mom is a little more aggressive in fighting back and uses moves such as Ironic Indulgence and Ironic Negligence. Have I mentioned I love her?

observe Mom’s absolute POWER STANCE in the back

The fight just kinda dissipates, though, and Mom goes back to cleaning. Rose decides she’ll go through the back door to avoid another fight.

Back…to John (sigh). The all-caps voice is telling him to turn away from his book on data structures and check out the weird evil clown baby in his room, but he refuses. So it’s time for an ambush!


Here we are, John’s first real fight that’s not with Dad! How’s it gonna go, will he whip out his signature hammer and slam that baby back into the void?


Nope. Clown baby takes his authentic bunny prop hostage and John gets his ass kicked. Shame.

Back to Rose (John is dead now) who is heading towards the generator to finally get power for her laptop. It’s raining, so she’ll need to use her umbrella.



Oh wait, I’m just getting word now that John has gotten back up and he’s beating the shit out of the weird clown baby-


Oh, no, false alarm.

Wait no hold on I spoke too soon, he’s BACK IN THE GAME!!


And this time he’s just randomly throwing objects from his sylladex at the baby to see what happens!

Which…actually works! John collects a heal and some build grist.


And of course we can’t forget our friend the authentic movie prop bunny! Capslock really wants him to put bunny in the red box, but, as always, John resists.

More importantly, John levels up! What a great day. He’s expanded his cache limit, which I’m assuming is his inventory capacity.

It looks like clown baby (or shale imp as it’s apparently called but I prefer clown baby) had affixed bunny to its specibus for use as a weapon, so John puts it in his strife deck for now and then repairs his hammer, which was broken in the baby fight.


John’s got a pester from Dave, but he just can’t shake the feeling that something in his room is amiss somehow…


While John figures out what’s wrong, Rose disrespects Jaspers the Cat to make space for her laptop. He’s been taxidermied, put in a suit, and then laid to rest in a child’s coffin (all by guess who), so she has little respect for who he has become. I’m actually kind of suspicious of Jaspers’ presence here; I feel like we might encounter another Nannasprite-like situation. And I know that Homestuck has a couple of anthro furry villains, so I’ve got my eye on you, Jaspers.

Back to John, who’s realized that the door in his room is both intact after being removed earlier by Rose AND slightly ajar. Very eerie.


Oh, okay. I see we’ve got a prankster in the Egbert mansion.


And that prankster is none other than the dead woman we’ve been waiting for, NANNA EGBERT!


Next time on Homestuck: Nanna explains why her name is spelled Nanna and not Nana?

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